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The Total Asshole Power Rankings: First Edition

Submitted by on April 24, 2012 – 4:07 amNo Comment

Please welcome, Michael Buffer VIII: “Int-ro-du-cing the Tooooootal Asshoooooooole Powerrrrrr Rankings.”

Thanks, Michael.

In case you are wondering, that introduction cost me $50,000. It was worth it. The Total Asshole Power Rankings are what they sound like – that is, a ranking of who’s the biggest total asshole. There are literally billions to choose from. Tough job for me, you know. Don’t necessarily expect this list to be relevant to current pop culture, though I’ll try to fit that in, too.

Rankings go from ten being the least assholish of the assholes, to one being the most totally assholish of them all. Plenty of assholes won’t make the list. There are just too many worthy candidates to consider. For the first week, we’ll start with a collection of my personal least favorite assholes as they spring to mind.

10) People with too-bright headlights – Why? Why? Why why why why why? What the fuck are you trying to prove? Those bright lights better be a portal to another dimension full of fucking boobs and mattresses if you are going to keep getting away with that shit. Look at you! Your lights are blue! How cool is that? Now I want to smash your lights and make you eat them. Stop blinding me at night you inconsiderate, impossibly uncool jerkasses.

9) Glenn Beck – Wherever he is, and whatever he is doing these days, you can be sure it involves a bunch of assholes. There was a movement to get the word “asshole” changed to “GlennBeck,” but open-minded wives objected when they had to say things like “I’ll let you put it in my GlennBeck tonight, honey.” He’s the worst kind of human. He would actually look better if he was just one big asshole instead. Glenn Beck likes all races as long as they’re white. He only counts you as literate if you’ve read his books. He is, most definitely, quite the asshole.

8) Bill Maher – Equal representation, and all. Bill Maher’s a bigger asshole than Glenn Beck because he represents my side. People think of the Democratic Party when they look at that smug prick’s face. He’s condescending to his eggs in the morning. He’s spent so much time making fun of religious people that he forgot all his George Bush jokes. Thank God. Somebody just lock his ass in a closet with Keith Olbermann and fill it with bees or something. That will teach them to be the face of Democrats. Jon Stewart and Colbert can pour in the bees. Let’s see Bill Maher pretend he’s smarter than everyone else while he’s got a face full of bees. Justice must be done.

7) ESPN – I used to love this channel. Now, it’s populated by nothing but assholes. And because of the Citizens United act, instead of going around calling all of them assholes, I can just attack to corpoperson itself. So, ESPN, you are a major asshole. Your entire idea of analysis is to put a drooling idiot on screen in a suit as long as they’re an ex-player. Sunday Night Baseball has become “Sunday Night Yankees and Red Sox Diddle Each Other’s Butts for Four Hours (at least),” and you hire guys like Colin Cowherd, a man who’s proven again and again to be a major Asshole Co-op Ringleader of some sorts, or perhaps a professor emeritus of Assholism, as your bell-cow radio dude? I don’t watch you anymore, ESPN. One of the frothing masses has stopped frothing. I’m sure there are others.

6) The Whale Wars Guy – You don’t have to know someone’s name to know they’re an asshole. My theory is that his whole “anti-whale hunting” stance started out because people were throwing harpoons at him in the streets! He’s fat, get it? But being fat doesn’t make him an asshole. Being an asshole makes him an asshole. You know what would get me to support your cause, fat guy from Whale Wars? Stop acting like you are so damn important, and stop trying to make your “missions” look like WWII battles, while you’re at it. You are fighting fisherman to get to whales, not an army of Nazis to get to Hitler. Get a hold of yourself, asshole.

5) Donald Trump – A man who makes everyone’s list of assholes, Donald Trump has done more for the asshole cause in the last twenty years than the Kardashians and Bushes combined. Donald Trump is such a big asshole that you could see a balloon-knot in Manhattan from space if you plated him in gold. Donald Trump once sued assholes for infringing on his copyright. The case was called ‘Trump v Assholes: The Right to Dump Shit’ and it was carried on forty-six “news” networks. Trump won, using his newly found unilateral power as he immediately launched a campaign to investigate President Obama’s birth certificate.

4) News Networks – Just show me some fucking news, already! Seriously, come on! Just for a minute or two. I really, really can’t stress enough how little I care about your opinions. I just want news, and all you give me is shit. Tons of shit. It’s like a 3D movie except the shit literally flies out of the screen when I turn you on. The red and blue glasses don’t help with the smell. So, stop it assholes. Assholes are supposed to be next to balls, not in my TV. I won’t be able to turn on any of your networks for as long as shit gets all over my place when I try, assholes.

3) Hitler – I know what you’re thinking: how is Hitler at three? He’s dead. Plus every asshole list in history should have him at number one already. It should be a given. Still, like Trump, no asshole list is complete without Hitler, the granddaddy of assholes, on it somewhere. Plus, the two guys ahead of him are pretty big assholes. You’ll see. And I guess I should say a couple words about Hitler, here: fuck him.

2) Dana White – Get your bald, roided out ass off my TV, you overbro-ish, slimy stereotype. You represent everything that’s wrong with men. You look like the type of guy who would get married just so you’d always have someone to cheat on. You’ve turned a sport I used to like into the worst mix of WWE and pro boxing. The matches aren’t fixed (I don’t think), but the hype is pathetic and the judges are shit. If Dana White were a president, he’d be president of NAMBLA. If he was a king, he’d be the King of Assholia. Little known fact about Dana White: the shit that comes out of his asshole mouth is converted into breathable air for his foaming minions. At least he’s going green.

1) Seth MacFarlane – If you’ve known me for any period of time, you know I think this guy is an incredible asshole. He radiates asshole aura. I can smell him through the TV screen. He talked like Quagmire all three times he got laid last year. There was a time when he got laid a lot more often because he didn’t smell like an unwashed asshole all the time. Those were the glory days. Family Guy had just come out with one or two hilarious, fresh seasons. That show was great, at a time I can barely remember. Then it got canceled. Then people wanted it back. Then Mr. McFarlane’s ego got so big from people wanting it back so bad, that when it finally did come back he coasted on jokes that were funny in the first season but stale by the fifth. Fuck you, Chicken Man! Go away, Conway Twitty! He coasted his way to eighteen spin-offs and free admission to all of the asshole-orientation mixers in LA. But the reason he ranks number one goes beyond that. I don’t like his voice. It’s stupid and he overuses it. I also don’t like his face. Fuck his face. And his asshole. He has the asshole of an asshole, and the face of a bigger asshole. Seth MacFarlane, you are this week’s King of Assholes. Congrats.

Check back next week for possible appearances by horses, Newt Gingrich, undercooked hotdogs, Lady Gaga, and plenty of other surprises!

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